Student Teacher Conference

STUDENT TEACHER CONFERENCE

  

            The first thing that Jill Oxford noticed in Professor David Lister’s office was the alligator on his desk.

 

The small paperweight version of the reptile seemed odd and out of place. Nothing about Professor Lister’s appearance suggested that he was out doorsy in the least bit. He was slightly out of shape, had a hair and beard combo that seemed to belong to a lazy video gamer, and looked as if he avoided the ideas of camping, picnicking, fishing and other outdoors activities at all costs. And it was the outdoorsy, nature-types that usually had animals surrounding them in some shape and fashion. So, in that sense, the alligator didn’t really make sense to Jill. That is, unless, David just happened to have some kind of affinity for alligators.

 

David.

 

Yes, it was important for Jill to start thinking of him as David and not Professor Lister. If she didn’t, the conference may not go as planned.

 

The look on David’s face after hearing her open the door was that of slight surprise and annoyance. The day ahead of him was as long as it could be and Jill Oxford’s intrusion was only going to make it more of a chore. But it was more than just her being there that put him off— it was the way she looked. Her blonde hair was pulled back in a ponytail but still looked frayed and messy. Her skin was a sickly tone of white. Black rings struggled to hold on to the skin surrounding her eyes.

 

Something seemed wrong with her. Still, David tried to address her as if her invasion of his office was nothing but a minor inconvenience.

 

“Oh… hello, Jill. I’m sorry but I have freshman comp conferences all day today. Is there anyway we could meet some other time?” David said in his most polite voice.

“Oh, sorry to barge in, Professor Lister…”

 

In her mind, Jill told herself that his name was David one more time. Again, it would just make the whole process easier. Simpler. But, for now, she had to address him as Professor Lister. Anything else would have raised suspicion.

 

“I was just hoping that I could talk to you for a minute or two. That’s why I got here so early in the morning…” she continued.

 

            As the words came out, Jill sounded soft and polite. However, there was some urgency in her tone. Somehow, something seemed off. David found himself tensing up as she took the seat across from him without any permission.

 

            “Jill…” David started, his voice faltering slightly as his nerves began to build.

           

            As he began to speak, Jill found herself getting distracted with the surroundings of the office one more time. While the alligator seemed to offer nothing but confusion in relation to David’s personal life and attributes, the rest of his clutter was not as ambiguous.

 

            To Jill’s right sat a giant shelf of old VHS tapes. Some were old classics such as The Godfather, Casablanca and Jaws. The rest were a mixture of the old Universal Studios monster films and obscure horror films from the 1980’s. On the bottom left, a copy of the 1970’s exploitation film The Toolbox Murders could be seen. David Cronenberg’s bizarre 1980’s film Videodrome rest comfortably beside it. These films were positioned so most students won’t notice them. At least, the students that weren't looking.

 

The shelf adjacent to this was filled more respectfully with books. However, upon closer inspection, the selection was even more interesting than that of the film collection. While the right side was filled with various novels from the Romantic era, the left was a hodgepodge of Stephen King, Kurt Vonnegut and Cormac McCarthy novels.

 

These two shelves really explained more of just who David Lister was. He was a twenty-six year old boy in a teacher’s position at the same college where he fulfilled his undergraduate and graduate degrees. While he wore dress pants, a tie and a button up shirt, he still looked slightly disheveled next to the rest of the professors. He would try harder than most of the more established professors. Despite this fact, he would never be as respected among them or by his own students. At least, until a few more years passed and he became “one of them.”

 

“I have no problems speaking to students… it’s just, I have a lot of conferences coming up about ten minutes from now…” David finished, cutting into Jill’s observations and thoughts.

“Oh, I’m sorry I didn’t make an appointment. You just seemed… so approachable from class…”

 

David just looked at her, a little surprised by her wording. He didn’t know whether to be flattered or a little nervous.

 

“It’s just… this will only take a second. I know I’m being a little inconsiderate with not having an appointment and all. But this is pretty important. And I’d feel a lot better if I could just talk to you for a second,” Jill said.

“Okay, Jill. I should be able to spare a few minutes. What seems to be the problem?”

“Well, I didn’t do so well on our last paper.”

“The MacBeth paper, right?”

 

Jill began to unzip the backpack resting at her feet to search for the paper in question. In the back of her mind, she flashed images from earlier that morning to give herself strength. She saw the pale, deathly blue morning light gently flooding into her dorm room… the countless drafts spread out all over the rough, brown carpet… and the toilet…

 

“Yeah, that’s the one,” she managed as she broke from these images and pulled the paper out.

“Let’s see here…” David said as he took the paper from her.

 

Shame swelled through Jill’s already aching skull when she briefly saw the bright red 65 scrawled on the top right corner of the paper in David’s hands. Her dull blue eyes began to shift nervously, crawling over the rough, brown carpet of his office. It reminded her of her own carpet. One more time, she saw the drafts all spread out.

 

“Ah yes… You had some run-on sentences here. Actually, you had quite a few of them. I do a letter grade down for each one. That and you had some minor grammatical errors,” David stated in a very matter of fact fashion.

“I… made a 65…” Jill whispered, still looking down at the dull carpet with her equally dull eyes.

 

David noticed the shame in her voice and sighed.

 

“Well, Jill, I know it seems harsh. Trust me, you’re a good student. I’ve seen your work. And it’s good. But you can’t make mistakes like this. They are careless. My high school teacher would have given me the same grade. She even told me then that run-on sentences were unforgivable on the college level…”

“Okay…”

“Jill, it’s a mistake. But we all make mistakes. Everyday. The purpose of making mistakes, at least to me, is to learn from them. I didn’t count off this much to be mean. It’s just a method I use to teach. I want you all to learn from your mistakes. I believe that you will become a stronger writer because of this. I really do. And that’s all I want.”

“Okay. I understand.”

 

Silence fell. As a feeling of awkwardness started to fill the office, David handed the paper back.

 

“Will there be any extra credit?” Jill managed as she weakly took the paper into her hands.

“There will probably be a paper you could do for extra credit later on in the semester. It’s still a little early though.”

“And how much will it be worth?” Jill asked, her eyes lighting up slightly.

“Most likely five daily grades.”

“Five daily grades…” Jill whispered, her head dropping back to the carpet.

 

David’s eyes watched the girl in front of him. For the first time since his first day of teaching a class, he was scared. He felt sweat begin to form under his jet-black, combed hair and eventually roll down his puffy cheeks. There was a numbness forming in stomach, moving into his legs and arms. The numbness that was fear.

 

Something wasn’t right here. Something wasn’t right with this girl… and David knew it.

 

“Professor Lister, did you know that I had a 4.0?”

“No, Jill. I didn’t. Though I wouldn’t expect any less of you.”

 

Jill’s eyes were becoming determined. Her breathing was becoming faster.

 

“I’ve been at this college for three years now… and I have a 4.0. It’s been a lot of work. A lot. But that 4.0. is mine. And I have to have it. Do you understand? I have to have it. My parents wouldn’t have it any other way. It’s a necessity in my house. And they would be quite disappointed if I were to lose it now, after everything.”

 

The numbness was spreading in David’s body.

 

“Jill… I doubt you’ll lose it. It’s still early in the semester… and…”

“I threw up this morning.”

 

David’s stomach dropped as the numbness filled him.

 

“What did you say?” David managed in almost a whisper.

“I threw up this morning. I’ve been throwing up a lot lately. I just can’t seem to hold anything down. I’ve been having stomach problems like these since high school. I’d sit in class, completely in pain… just hoping to get through without my stomach tearing itself to shreds. One day, I woke up and spit up blood. Right into the sink.”

 

As Jill said this, she felt the pain of this memory one more time. The ripping feeling, followed by the thick, bloody mucus shooting out of her esophagus. Then came the strange, sickening numbness that washed over her stomach. Numbness not far from what was filling David’s own body at that very moment.

 

When this passed, Jill began to speak again.

 

“And you know why? Because of teachers like you. Don’t you understand? I have to have that 4.0. There are no ands, ifs or buts about it. I have to have it.”

“Jill… I’m sorry… but this isn’t healthy. These are just grades…”

“Don’t you tell me that. Don’t you dare. They are not just grades. You, of all people, should know that.

“Jill, please. Just calm down. I will work with you and we will work this out. I promise. I have confidence in you that you will be able to pull this grade up. I really do. But, until then, I think I’m going to have to refer you to the campus counselor.”

 

That’s when the smile finally broke across her face.

 

“No, David. I won’t be going to the school counselor. Can I call you David? That would make me feel a lot better.”

 

David just stared at her, not knowing what to say. It didn’t seem like he could say anything that would make it any better.

 

“You see… I’m not leaving this office. Not until I feel better about all of this. I… I shouldn’t have to go through this pain anymore. It’s time I did something. Don’t you agree? A girl so young shouldn’t hurt this much. Am I right?”

“Jill…”

“I’m not going to go through this anymore. Do you understand? I’m not. And you are going to see to that.”

 

David was at a loss. He racked his brain for the right words to handle the situation. Eventually, he found himself mumbling absentmindedly.

 

“I think I’m going to have to ask you to leave my office…”

“No, I don’t think you’d like that.”

“Jill, please leave…”

“But if I left, I’d have to drop these off in Dr. Redford’s office…”

 

Photographs land in David’s lap. Some of them land on the floor below. He didn’t even see Jill pull them out of her coat pocket. Slowly, he felt a pressure beginning to build up in his skull as the images from the polaroids filled his brain.

 

“What is this… what are you doing? What are you doing?”

“I just don’t want to hurt anymore.”

“This isn’t happening… this can’t happen. Do you understand what you are doing? I could lose everything…”

“How does it feel?”

“What?”

“To almost lose everything? You see… I could lose everything too. We’re in the same boat. And it feels terrible doesn’t it?”

 

Suddenly, David shot out of his chair, sending the incriminating photos to the dull, rough, brown carpet below.

 

“The same boat? Are you serious? I could lose everything! This is my life we’re talking about here! Not some stupid G.P.A.! You’re going to take everything away!”

 

Jill stayed seated and simply looked up at David. Her eyes were placid and her face almost emotionless.

 

“It’s not just some stupid G.P.A. to me. And you know that. If I lose it, it’s all over for me too. Why can’t you understand that?”

 

David stood, looking at her in disbelief. His mind ran in a million different directions… all of them in an attempt to try and figure out how to diffuse this situation. As he thought, Jill spoke. And she spoke clearly.

 

“The day you gave that paper back, I had a complete emotional breakdown. You handed me the paper and I felt it… it was like a knife going through my back and out my stomach. I could barely make it out of the class before tears were running down my face. Once I left the English Hall, I realized I didn’t know where I was. Can you believe that? I’ve been here a thousand times… but, in this state, I had no idea where I was. Eventually, I stumbled down to the dorm, wandered into my room and had a complete breakdown. I don’t know what it was… I just couldn’t stop it. I just couldn’t stop it. After that, I ended up sleeping. I didn’t go to class the next two days. I just slept and thought. Finally, after two days, I left my room. And that’s when I saw you with her. And that’s when I figured it all out. And I knew what I had to do. There was no other solution. I felt it… and it felt right. It was the first thing that felt right in a very long time.”

 

A look of defeat spread over David’s face.

 

“What do you want from me?”

“I want you to re-grade the paper. I’m going to get the grade I deserve.”

 

David said nothing. He still couldn’t believe any of this was happening to him.

 

“And… there is one more thing…”

“What?”

“Do you love her?”

 

The photograph of him and Cynthia kissing outside of the deli filled his brain as he tried to put together Jill’s logic.

 

“What?” David asked, confused at to what she was getting at.

“Cynthia… the girl… the student you’re sleeping with. Do you love her?”

“We’re not sleeping together,” David snapped.

 

A spark of curiously fills Jill’s face.

 

“Oh really?”

“Why are you asking this?”

“It’s very important that you’re honest with me.”

 

As Jill stared David down with her pale, beady eyes, he began to think. He thought back to Cynthia’s visit to his office just minutes before she had arrived. He thought about how she walked around like she owned the place. How she didn’t seem to care if they were caught. How he did everything in his power to get her out before the freshmen students arrived without being mean. How she had said she loved him for the first time in their relationship as she exited the room… and the empty feeling that spread through his stomach thereafter.

 

As these thoughts run through David’s mind, he finds his mouth moving. The words were hard. Hard enough to make him fall back into his chair.

 

“I don’t know…”

 

Something came over Jill’s face. Something foreign. Something David had never been allowed to see on her face before. Suddenly, he began to feel that dread again… that numbness…

 

“Did you know that I’ve never been in a relationship of any kind before?”

“No, Jill… I didn’t…

“I’ve been in love before. But they never really noticed me. Nobody ever does. Even if they had, I wouldn’t have had the time to do anything. I was always too busy with schoolwork. Too busy because of people like you. And here you are… you have a girl who seems to be obsessed with you. And what do you say? You don’t know. In fact, you look like you have never even given it thought until now.”

 

He felt it moving down his legs again.

 

“I’ve been too wrapped up in the academic world to even think about boys most of the time. Now, here am I with a failing grade. Let’s just say it has opened my mind quite a bit. Now, I can’t stop thinking what it would be like to be loved… to have someone… to be kissed…”

 

Jill stood as the feeling began to spread through his whole body once again.

 

“I want you to help me feel like this.”

 

Sweat began to roll down his face one more time.

 

“What?” he managed.

“I want you to make me feel like Cynthia. Instead, I don’t want you to fake it like you do with her. I want you to kiss me and I want you to do it as if you love me. I want you to love it. And I want to feel that. I will know if you’re faking it.”

“Are you serious?”

 

Jill’s answer was in her eyes. David felt a sickness entering his belly, causing him to stand up.

 

“Jill, this is out of the question. I’m not doing this…”

“Well, if that’s the way you feel, I can just turn these in…”

 

Jill bent down and picked up two of the fallen photographs. She then began to turn towards the front door. As she did, David went after her. He grabbed one of her arms. As his hand tightened around it, something happened within her. When it did, she whipped around, her eyes on fire.

 

“Is that what you want? Do you want to hurt me? Is that what you want?”

 “Jill…” David managed, his confusion soaking his face.

“Go ahead. Hurt me. It’s okay. You can do it...”

 

David just looked at her. Her eyes were both furious and eager. They said exactly what her words did. She truly wanted him to harm her. And she would enjoy it. She would enjoy it a lot.

 

The realization of this sent a shudder up David’s spine. He then took a breath, trying to think. He had no idea what he could do to make the whole situation better. Everything looked hopeless. So grim.

 

Then, something happened.

 

“I would never hurt you. I’m… I’m just like you. You know that right?”

 

Jill stood her ground, waiting for his explanation.

 

“It’s just… you have to understand what I’m dealing with. You have to understand that this would have never flown in my high school. Never. Do you know what happened to me in high school when I had a poor opening paragraph? Do you?”

 

David was becoming emotional. His voice was strained and hurt. Sweat now soaked the top part of his button-up shirt. It was loosening his tie and causing him to look less and less like a professor.

 

“My teacher, Mrs. Crosby, put it on the overhead for everyone to see. And then, you know what we did? We pointed out all the flaws. Christ, we tore it up. And then I went home alone to think about it. And you know what? It was good. I deserved it. Because I learned from it. And you may hate me right now and it may hurt… but you’ll learn. You really will. I have. You know?”

 

David turned away from her and sat back down in his chair. Hurt filled his eyes. For a moment, he was back in that classroom, looking at the overhead projection of his flawed piece of writing. His imperfect work.

 

“You didn’t deserve that, you know?” Jill said calmly. Her eyes no longer burned. They just appeared to be heightened with a sense of extreme interest.

“I’ve been doing this for years, you know? Just drilling away. Just accepting it and trying to make the best of it. Just trying to be the best. I got really lucky. Even with my grades from grad school… I probably shouldn’t have ended up here. There’s just so much pressure…”

 

David paused, his breathing getting hard. He looked exhausted.

 

“The first day I walked into that classroom… I can remember just looking out at all these kids just a few years younger than me. I thought they were going to eat me alive. I really did. But I got lucky. I really did. But, even with all that luck, the pressure doesn’t go away. It never goes away. After all, without the pressure, what would be the reason to get up in the morning, right? But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t get to you. No, it still does. And sometimes, you need an escape. And Cynthia was that escape. It started simple. She’d just stay late after class, chatting about various subjects. We had similar interests. We had chemistry. That was it. It just kind of started from there. It was never a bad thing in my mind… the age difference wasn’t big. She’s twenty-two and I’m twenty-six. It’s not that big of a deal. It was just the fact that I was her teacher that screwed it all up. Is that so much of a violation?”

“She is your student, David. Because of that, yes it is. And I will use it against you. Because you are using her.”

“I’m not using her. I care about her, I really do. It’s just everything’s happened so fast… and there’s just all this pressure… I’ve never even been one to be in a relationship. I’ve only had one and it was quite brief. In a lot of ways, I’m like you.”

 

Jill began to walk towards him, her face shifting.

 

“Are you trying to manipulate me, David?” she hissed.

“What?”

“Make me think we’re buddy buddy now that we have similar backgrounds? Is that it?”

“No, that’s not it at all…”

“This doesn’t change anything,” Jill spat, cutting David off, “You still have things that you owe me. And I’m not leaving until they are taken care of.

“Jill…please… you don’t want…”

“Get up. Come over here.”

“I’m not doing this.”

“Yes. You will.”

 

Gently, her hand took his. For a moment, it was as if David had been hypnotized. His body moved all on its own, getting out of the sweat-soaked chair. Jill’s face filled with a sense of excitement and, surprisingly, fear.

 

“Are you nervous?” she whispered.

 

David couldn’t respond. His body kept on moving without his control.

 

“You know… I’m pretty nervous too… you are my first after all. How does that make you feel? Do you feel honored in any way? It would make me feel pretty good.”

 

David kept on moving, putting his hands on Jill’s shoulders. One of his fingers accidentally brushed the tiny hairs on the side of her lower neck. As it did, she felt a weakness moving over her. Her mouth watered. Her skin broke out in gooseflesh. Her face blushed.

 

“Wow… it’s really going to happen…”

“Jill… please…” David whimpered, sounding utterly defeated.

“No, I need this.”

“You don’t want it to be like this.”

“Do it,” she ordered.

 

With these words, Jill began to lean in, her lips parting. As she did, it all suddenly came crashing down on David. The absurdity of what was happening. The embarrassment. The sheer loss of control and dignity. It all hit at once, bringing a primal croak up deep from the bottom of his throat.

 

Before either of them knew what was happening, David found himself grabbing Jill around the throat and slamming her again the office door. She let out a gasp of surprise and pain as she hit hard. As the professor held her tightly again the door, his body shook with panic and fury. Sounds of his breathing cutting in and out in a rapid fashion bounced about the tiny office space. Slowly, he found his fingers tightening around Jill’s throat with a strange instinctual brutality.

 

To both of their surprise, Jill found a small laugh escape her body. David’s brain boiled at the sound of it.

 

“Who do you think you are coming in here and doing this? I ought to kill you! You can’t do this! You can’t!” David spat, his voice quaking with anger and terror.

“Come on, David. We’re so close already. It won’t take much to do this.”

 

She leaned her face closer to his and he felt her hot breath on his scruffy cheek. This set off something deep within him as he soon found himself tightening his grip on Jill’s throat and snapping her head back against the door. She gasped again. For a brief moment, he felt like he could snap her head back to the point where it would break her neck. He felt like he could rip her throat out, spilling bright, warm blood all over his heaving chest and the dull carpet below.

 

For that one brief moment, he really felt like he could kill her.

 

Then it hit him. The sick feeling… almost as overwhelming as the numbness that overcame Jill’s stomach the time that she spit up blood… shot through David’s limbs. Suddenly, he realized what he was doing. He was physically harming a student. A student.

 

A nauseating groan escaped from his throat as he fell backward, dropping his hands from Jill’s throat. He hunched over and breathed hard. A slow headache started to form and intensify quickly. It was rage. Pure and simple rage. Only this time, it was towards himself.

 

“Oh my God…” he whispered to himself.

 

It was at this moment that he collapsed back into his chair. Back at the door, Jill had caught her breath. Slowly, she moved towards David.

 

David was sprawled about the chair, barely moving. His clothes had become drenched in his perspiration. It almost looked like he had been dipped in a lake. As she approached, Jill was astonished by how crushed and feeble David appeared. While he had never truly looked like a college professor, at this moment, he honestly looked like a child. In fact, the last time he looked this vulnerable was when he was a child. It hadn’t been on his first day as a teacher. It hadn’t been when he found out Marie had been cheating on him for two months. And it hadn’t been when Mrs. Crosby had torn his paper up in front of the whole class. No, it had been when he was five years old in preschool.

 

A bully named Vaughn Atkinson had shoved him face first into the girl’s restroom. When he landed on the urine-colored floor, he had looked up slowly. The horrified faces of three girls washing their hands at the sink greeted his fear-soaked eyes. In what seemed like slow motion, they all wailed like banshees, ran over his fallen body and burst out of the restroom. David had returned to his homeroom with his head hung in utter shame. His teacher ripped him aside by the arm, scolded him and then wrote his name on the board as a further punishment.

 

As David had retaken his desk, he had collapsed. His clothes were soaked in sweat. His brain was spinning. He was defeated. He was defeated as he was now.

 

David moaned as Jill sat down on his lap and then straddled him. A new wave of nausea swarmed through his stomach as he felt her warmth spreading to his own body. Jill found a feeling working its way into her stomach as well but, unlike David’s, it was warm and soft. It made her knees feel weak and small. Her eyes seemed to float in her skull.

 

She put a hand to his face, stroking through his coarse beard.

 

“Jill… please…” he gasped.

 

This was all he could manage before she moved her lips towards his.

 

-----------------------

 

            David hadn’t necessarily been a good kisser. Jill had never kissed anyone before but even she knew that. His lips had been hard and crusty. She guessed the cold wind of late had worn them. His breath tasted like coffee. As they kissed, he had strained and squirmed. There had been times when she believed he might get sick and vomit in her mouth.

 

Knowing all of this, one might believe that the brief make-out session had not been very appetizing. But that wasn’t true. Despite David’s bad breath, poor kissing skills, restraint and overall, unattractive nature, Jill had been very satisfied by the experience. To her, it had been something special. As they had kissed, she imagined him to be the love of her life. The man she had always wanted. The kind of guy that would run up to her parent’s house at night, throwing rocks at her bedroom window to wake her. The rebel on the motorcycle that would rage through town as she clutched him tightly. The man that would pledge his own undying love for her. The guy who would take a bullet for her without hesitation.

 

The man of her dreams. Her prince charming. 

 

As she had fallen further and further into this fantasy, she had shoved her tongue into his mouth and begun to take him. To her pleasure, she found his restraint and discomfort falling when this happened. In the span of a few moments, he had surrendered and become all of hers. It was the power of this moment that she had woken up for in the morning. It was what she had been yearning and living for all her life.

 

Before she had left his office, she made David promise that he would change her grade on his online grade book. Solemnly, he had agreed. Then, they had said goodbye.

 

Five minutes later, she sat on a cracked, dirty sidewalk near the university’s cafeteria. As she sat there, she thought about how she wished she could see David’s face when he pulled up the grade book. Oh, how she wished she could see his face when he found out that she had dropped his class earlier that morning. That all the threats had been idle. That there was no real reasoning behind her actions. That she had done it just to do it… just for the satisfaction of it all… just for the feeling it gave her…

 

Oh, how she wished she could see his face. The surprise. The shock. The confusion. The anger. The defeat.

 

Before she had left the room and before she had made him promise to change the grade, she had asked him about the alligator paperweight that sat so out of place on his desk. It had been a gift from Cynthia. She had picked it up in a gift shop on a beach trip with friends to Florida. It was the only record and artifact of his inappropriate relationship that he allowed to be showcased in his office.

 

As she thought about this and everything else that happened, Jill felt hot tears roll down her cheeks and splash against the coarse concrete below. Her nose began to run. She felt her eyes grow hot and raw. She gasped and felt her breath get choked up within the growing lump in her throat.

 

In her moment of choking, she thought about vomiting every morning before class. She thought about the pain that had held her down for so long. She thought about what she had done to David. She thought about how she had hurt him just to hurt him. Just for that feeling of power and pleasure. She thought about him and his dry, crusty kiss. She thought about the justifications for her actions… and the horror of what she had been capable of.

 

As all these thoughts ripped through her brain, she sat there and began to cry.

 

 

 

THE END.